The night of November 25th, 2022, the sky was starless. I looked at the sky and was distraught. The other day I was just telling my sister how we are fortunate to live on the outskirts rather than in the middle of the city. I can see stars more clearly from the place where I live and can even make out most of the constellations. But yesterday was heartbreaking as I saw the sky covered in smog. Even Jupiter was not visible. The seasonal fog and the air pollution may have created the thick layer. I checked the air quality level in Pune. It was 160 yesterday, which is unhealthy. Still better than Delhi, where it is 347 in some places, which is very poor. Light pollution is another factor that obstructs the visibility of stars.
Looking forward to our future, we will not be able to see the stars at all. That would be just grim. All we would see is our karma in the night sky. It would be an absolute personal loss for me because I derive exuberance from the stars and the moon. I search for the meaning of my existence in them. For some time now I have been living in denial, and hence I am happy. If not happy, at least not in a dark place. However, as I turn off my normal negative emotions, I experience writer’s block. I cannot write as much when I am in denial. It’s strange that I’ve built a wall around myself. I don’t want to hurt myself. It is paradoxical that I am saving myself from myself.
I am avoiding the news. I don’t open any article that says “trigger warning.” I feel guilty that some human or animal must have suffered in that article or video, and I cannot even bear to read about it. I am being a little selfish and trying to ignore the sad news to protect my mental health. I tell myself that I am content in my current job, which always gives me anxiety. I smoke a cigarette every night without remorse. I am contributing to 1.39 g of man-made greenhouse gas emissions per cigarette. I, as a climate change advocate, still cannot entirely stop smoking or eating dairy.
What is good and bad in this world? Who decides what is right and wrong? There is no law for morality. What I consider right or good may be wrong or bad for someone else, and vice versa. People are afraid to show their vulnerability. They tend to conceal their true selves, their true identities, as well as their vulnerability.
People ask me why I don’t get married again. You are young; you can start a family now before it is too late. Being single, particularly as a woman, is clearly frowned upon by society. I answer them by asking them another question. I show them my long list of series and movies left to watch. The long list of books left to read Will I be able to do all these things if I get married? There is so much left to learn. Galileo was imprisoned for his disagreement with religious doctrine, his views on the universe, and his belief that the planets do not revolve around the earth. I want to do his sacrifice justice by reading all about it. Not that people have not given his sacrifice justice, as we live by the laws and theories developed by these great scientists who gave their entire lives to science when society was not so kind to them.
I have a million questions in my brain, which set my mind on fire. There are so many questions in my notes app that remain to be researched. Will I have time for all this if I get married? Won’t I be spending most of the time in the kitchen and cleaning up the mess of a man and his family, who are literal strangers to me? Nevertheless, I am better alone because I never know what to talk to people about, which makes me more anxious. I am a good listener but not a talker, so that is a letdown for most people.
Published in www.medium.com
https://medium.com/@egalitariansaranya/a-peak-into-a-gloomy-starless-sky-ed98e1964eb4
