We have often heard this, “You deserve to be happy.” Why do we say that? Is it that some people deserve to be happy and others don’t? How do we calculate how much happiness one deserves? Most often, in the search for happiness, we always end up being unhappy. We are often confused as to what exactly we are looking for. Money, love, renunciation? Happiness sounds like a selfish word. It’s like the world is suffering and how dare I be happy? But is it too much to ask to cut back on the constant dark phase of sadness?
I am a Nyctophile - a person who loves the night or darkness. The night sky is my safe haven; it is so peaceful yet rebellious. Although vulnerability is scary, I am fearlessly vulnerable before the sky, as if it knows me inside out. I look at the brightest star in the night sky - Sirius. “Hey Sirius, is this you? I can see you today, but I didn’t see you yesterday. You are beautiful. How are you doing? You know, I am fine. I just don’t know what to do. Why am I always clueless?” Sometimes I feel It behaves like a therapist and says, “You know what to do, Saranya.” OK, Relax, I am not completely crazy and I do not miss talking to people. That is not the reason I speak to the stars. It is just that they seem to be better than humans. It somehow makes me feel confident that I can deal with it. I can and have to live with it. As my cigarette burns down in the moonlight, I tell Sirius all my insecurities. It listens to me patiently. It has nowhere to go anyway.
I wrote a quote in my last article from God of small things: “The way her body existed only where he touched her. The rest of her was smoke.” A friend asked me, “Tell me about yours. How would you express this feeling? “ I was blank. I thought about how I could be so clueless about my own feelings. The first thing that came to my mind was rain and the moon. Crazily enough, I love rain and the moon so much that I can never get enough of their beauty. I understand the arbitrary comparison I am making between a sensuous touch and a celestial body. As cliché as it might sound, the latter never disappoints you. Saying that, the warmth of a long hug is the most powerful feeling for me. It is the best treat for my cuddle hormones.
My amorous rendezvous is very short-lived. They all leave eventually. While it is reasonable to say that, one shouldn’t feel guilty about moving on. On my part. being normal would have helped. It could be due to the constant voice in my head which says, “You don’t deserve happiness.” ‘You can’t be with anyone.’ As someone rightly asked me, “Why can you not be happy in the present? Why do you have to think about how the future might be and spoil what you have now?” I do pick up the phone to text, but I ponder. What can I do differently? I am the same person. The same weird self, who is constantly trying to fit in but also not fit in. Can they accept me for that? It is not feasible to talk to someone who resents you. Everybody asks for someone who loves them for who they are. Frankly, I think, ‘love me for being crazy’ is too much to ask. So I do not ask.
The butterflies seem to have wandered off now, but I will always look at you the same way.
Dating is a daunting task. Imagine going on a date and asking someone if they prefer Marvel or DC, and they say neither. If I say valar morghulis, they do not reply with valar dohaeris. If I ask them, “Pride and Prejudice or Gone with the Wind,” and they reply with, “WTF are these?” I am going to have to call it off. Just kidding, it does not matter if they know about these things. Or does it? I have heard people say I want someone who understands me. I say, how is that possible? The people who claim to understand you are lying to you. If only understanding another human being was so easy, we should probably burn all the psychology books. All the philosophers who wrote so many books on understanding the human mind are fools. Well, as a matter of fact, we are all fools. Expectations to understand, the constant need for another person’s approval to make ourselves feel worthy and hanging a burden around their neck to make us happy is what makes us fools. Nobody wants to give up their independence but doesn’t want to be single either. It is unnerving. Well, for me, empathy is the prerequisite for a second date.
Punit Pania, a comedian, says there is nothing such as an unselfish act. Everyone is selfish, especially when it comes to their happiness and contentment. Sometimes I am a hypocrite and I say I don’t care about myself, but I still go looking for happiness. I do things that make me happy, but before that I have to pacify my mind to not feel guilty about it. The turn it takes is that I end up in despair. I would say I am privileged and I should be content. I am single, have a great brother and sister, and two beautiful dog babies. What else can I ask for, right?
