It is strange how a person can give us the confidence to keep going. Someone just being there in your life makes a huge difference. Even if you do not speak to that person on a daily basis, do not meet them regularly, but the mere presence of that person in your life soars your morale. I think so little of myself and give myself such less importance that I do not expect any person to like me, irrespective of genders. If such a person exists who gives value to my existence even moderately, I begin to value myself a little more, hence my mental health taking a U-turn and becoming stable. I still would not be happy but I would not be sad either.
If I am not sad, I feel that something is wrong because I am used to that constant phase of being low or sad. In this duration of being normal, I see myself doing things and achieving better results in what I do. I write better, I read more. I would love to be in this phase for a longer time span but it does not last, or I don’t want it to last. The mere fear of losing this makes me lose it. It is a paradox.
Although this seems harmless, the question is why I can’t do it on my own. Why do I not like myself. That person is not really doing anything. Her/his role would be very less in crediting my existence, they would not even know how vulnerable I am. While I wonder about a lot of things in this universe, this is an infinitesimally small question and it also may have an appropriate answer, but I negate the answer declaring it as complicated. To tell my mind that I can do it on my own is a daunting task. I am never at peace, the war in my mind does not end.
It is very easy to make me smile and laugh but my mind is never happy. My mind always thinks my life is incomplete and I need to strive towards making it complete, but a person cannot complete it. I am not dependent on anybody for my happiness for a simple reason that I do not seek happiness.
Published on www.medium.com
https://medium.com/@egalitariansaranya/stranger-things-about-how-my-mind-works-ca1012abaf42
